Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?