Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
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betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Lmfaoooooo
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.