A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
The first one, obviously
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!