Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???