It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me: how are you
Friday: good
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Cinematography is my passion
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]