My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
#Caturday
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Risking my life for fun.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.