This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
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Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
the #horror is real!
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.