Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*