[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
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I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Growing out my freckles.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken