Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
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ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.