HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?