me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
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What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that