I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.