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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!