My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)