Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.