me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?