I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Not today. 😅
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
ME (calling my horse with no name):
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.