Unsolicited sandwich pics.
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Ferrari squats
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with