Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
mathematically impossible
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.