Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”