“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”