I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
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I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!