You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
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Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?