Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
nature’s most graceful animal
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!