A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
my one true gender
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall