I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
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*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.