In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Banana is the quietest snack
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
this… may be the greatest story ever told
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years