Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.