{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
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“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.