Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.