Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right