There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
You Might Also Like
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
a lot to unpack here
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
consequences, the bane of my existence
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.