What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
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[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.