What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
You Might Also Like
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..