EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*