Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
2022 will be better than 2021
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My neck, my back, my…
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.