Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
same energy
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’ve had worse
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.