Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
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Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.