When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
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Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
when someone rings the doorbell
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.