I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Battery falling down a hole
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.