Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go