Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Bruh PLEASE
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.