doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
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I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer