GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.