Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
This week’s mood.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.