Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
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I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”