Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.