ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
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Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.