Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
wish me luck lads
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins